You "love" someone.
They dump you.
You're in a relationship with someone else within weeks.
You're marrying the new guy within months.
Perhaps it's time to consider the possibility that you are NOT in love.
You are just, well, Crazy.
--------------------------------------------------
I've seen this situation happen a few times in the past year. And not with young people; I'm watching it happen with thirty-somethings my age (aka, people-you'd-think-would-know-better) and it drives me nuts trying to figure it out. Here are my desperately-trying-to-make-sense-of-it hypotheses.
1. They must be in love with some kind of feeling rather than being in love with a person.
A woman who loves a man enough to want to marry him is NOT going to be ready for a new relationship within weeks of being dumped. Because if she really loved HIM, the relationship ending doesn't change who he is as a person; it just changes his feelings for her. Healing takes time, and if you love the PERSON and not the way the person makes you feel, being dumped doesn't immediately change your heart. You have to work at disconnecting your heart, and that takes a ton of emotional time and energy.
If you're in love with the feeling of being in a romantic relationship, however, then you'd be able to move on pretty quickly. Because, at the risk of sounding callous, any old guy would be able to give you the same feelings.
Loving a person = hard to disconnect.
Loving a feeling = easy to find another guy who'll give you the same feeling.
2. They have issues with themselves and think romance is the ultimate self-help.
The pain you feel over a broken heart will not be healed by pretending you're "over it" and quickly moving into another romance. Sigh. Distracting your difficult feelings by emotionally submerging them in New Feelings won't be enough to actually heal. You're just postponing working through the pain, all the while engaging someone else in the tangled confusion of your emotional ropes.
Marrying someone who is only a few months out of a serious relationship is another form of crazy, but I haven't even begun to figure out why someone would voluntarily do THAT. Yikers.
A good rule of thumb might be this: if people on facebook would be surprised at your quick engagement ("hey, I thought she was dating someone else -- when did she get engaged to THIS guy?") then you might be fulfilling my definition of crazy.
Here's the Difficult Truth, as I see it.
People who aren't crazy are honest with their level of woundedness. They seek help from friends, pastors, and family to deal with the feelings of rejection and disappointment. They are cautious for a season, allowing themselves to heal and work through the emotions that come up on a daily basis.
They don't run; they deal.
They are honest -- agonizingly honest -- about their hurt.
They wait. THEY WAIT.
Don't be a Crazy.
Not everyone is the same, not everyone needs that much time, not everyone heals at the same rate. I got remarried within two weeks of my divorce being final. I was plenty healed, plenty whatever... I was ready and it was a great time. I can't help but feel like this was somewhat judgmental to read :(
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you felt that way -- I definitely didn't mean to imply that people can't fall in love quickly. I apologize for offending. The relationships I was referring to in this post were all situations where people were "madly in love" with their boyfriend or girlfriend and then were engaged to someone else within weeks of being broken up with. I just find that kind of speed confusing and difficult to reconcile with my experience. Perhaps I should have been more clear in my post :)
ReplyDeleteI agree, Ro. Enough said. Oh, and I love you dearly!!! :)
ReplyDeleteJam